I feel like I am running in place. Tired but not getting anywhere. Hard to give attention to 3 kids while their mom is doing residency. Love my kids but between work, and trying to find a way to make ends meet and almost failing. Not gonna lie it is getting to me. Thinking of just burying myself in a new project or something. Feels like crypto is my escape right now. The only part of my life that seems to be going great.
Drowning 2022 10 27 0230H
I feel I am slowly losing myself.
I had a suspicion that this would happen.
But nothing is ever free.
My family gives me so much joy.
Hugging my kids make me thank God I am alive.
But, What is this dread that I am feeling.
Two things have never left me since I’ve heard/watched them.
John Mayer’s Stop This Train I want to get out
and Before Sunset’s “Life is about fighting for meaning”
The past 5 years were extremely hard.
I had to fight for what I have right now.
I had to swallow my pride and muck it up in the estero.
But, because of this I am facing this situation.
Basic needs met, now facing existential dread once again.
What will I see when I walk this unknown path.
Silent Scream!!!!
Realisations 2020 12 12 0412H
I realized something while watching Discovery Episode 9 Season 3. The writers with one scene made the Admiral a good leader in my eyes. Good writing.
But it started me pondering why I can’t seem to watch a new show right now. I have such long a backlog that I have been actively ignoring watching CLOY, Itaewon Class, Startup.
I try to be introspective, I even have the fantasy that my default mode is introspection first.
I have been try to keep a semblance of normalcy by not watching new things.
The seeming contradiction is I am watching KPOP a lot.
Upon further thought I am just going back to the college age mindset to try new things or maybe more accurately a midlife crisis type of mindset wherein you try youthful things to capture ones youthful mindset again.
All in all I am not Okay but It’s Okay not to be Okay.
Rant.Musings.2010 07 16
Whilst watching before sunset last night for the nth time I realized that if celine’s definition of depressed people is accurate I might be. Ewan, if you don’t know what I’m talking about well you really need to see before sunset now,as in right now. if you are to bored here’s a more boring list to find out what I mean. from imdb here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0381681/quotes
Celine: Do I look any different?
[long pause]
Celine: I do?
Jesse: I’d have to see you naked.
Share this quote
[long pause]
Celine: I do?
Jesse: I’d have to see you naked.
Share this quote
Musings 2010 06 24
-Very nice day all in all.
-We have a Lydia’s Lechon branch near the office. We like to eat there for dinner after 8 because they give us extra lechon skin near closing time.
-Woah, I just realized na ang tagal kong hindi kinilig for myself. This has been a very nice day.
-I’m slowly falling into sin. Why is REM’s classic always running through my mind.
-Why can’t I seem to shake of the feeling that the song FEEL was sooo made for me.