Love Means Never Having To Say I'm Sorry part 1

I’ve been a very boring person this past two years. You could compress all I’ve been trying to say with just a few words.

  • Passion
  • Love
  • Self Awareness
  • Self Expression
  • Reality

Since working for a start-up (My first job actually!), afterwards discovering the likes of Paul Graham and other Start-up Envangelist.(I know I am weird I joined a tech startup before being brainwashed and fully converted to the startup way of thinking). Got Fired and depressed. Got depressed enough to go working for a traditional but still small to medium software company! Got Fired again. Now trying my hand in Cooperative/startup hybrid.
I am simply unemployable.(But this is for another post.)
What I was really going to say before the mini autobiography is that in trying to be true to yourself, in trying to find who you really are, you are bound to do things to feel sorry for but love means never having to say I am sorry. It is selfish, yes it is extremely selfish but the fact is it is true.
We must never intentionally hurt anyone but there is a line between trying not to hurt anyone and doing what is best for you. When that line has to be crossed err in the side of finding yourself. Err in the side of your happiness. It happens often enough but the fact is you cannot apologize for trying to be happy. You can be sorry for how it affected them but never for what you did! Never!
more to follow…..

On Listening To What Your Inner Self Is Telling You

follow up to : On Betrayal
I was thinking about my previous post on betrayal and I realized I can take it in a another direction. So here goes.
Sometimes when your doing something and it contradicts what you are saying may be you are not betraying yourself but actually trying to learn. What I am trying to say is maybe you just do not realize what you are doing contradicts what you profess to believe in. May be in some alternate chain of actions what you are doing does not really contradict what wou are saying. maybe, maybe.
But, what I believe is actually happening is that you are failing to listen to what your inner self is telling you.
When you have such a tough time getting yourself to go to work, your innerself is telling you something.
When you are more energetic at your hobby or side project after working a 9-5, your innerself is telling you something.
When all you can do is just smile whenever someone is talking, listening but finding yourself wondering about what you are going to do next,your innerself is telling you something.
When all you seem to do is laugh when you are with them and you are suddenly a different person, your innerself is telling you something.
When you can’t seem to shake the image of her face and how she slants her head whenever she talks, your innerself is telling you something.
When it hurts so much that you cant seem to find anyone who understands how much pain you are feeling, your innerself is telling you something.
I think that we have always had that inner compass, that inner self that we just cant lie to. We go through life first having no innerself because when we were young we did what we felt doing and because we knew little evil we weren’t that bad, And as we grew and got a little smarter, developed a little slyness and knew more evil things or maybe learned somethings to fear or learned to be more insecure we separated with the true us that lies within, that part of our being who we cannot lie to, where we can show no pretenses just the truth.
This is the innerself I speak about. This is the innerself we must be more aware of, for I would make you a bet that if you did listen more to it you’d be happier by far!

On Betrayal

The things we do is what I believe the true revelations to what/who we are and what we really want to be or maybe what we already are.
What do I mean?
When you say you want to become healthy and you still never have any time for exercise or never watch what you eat,
You are betraying yourself.
When you say you want to be hooked or find a nice girl/guy to be with and all you do is stay at your room and read ,
You are betraying yourself.
When you say you want to learn ow to drive/program/fish/etc and you always have an excuse not to,
You are betraying yourself.
Betrayal is one of the most heinous crimes one can commit in a war.In desperate circumstances they are summarily executed. In our lives we are continuously battling to find the perfect job, to find the perfect mate, to find true friends. This is a war that we must win, thus we must execute the betrayers within us, to start living the truth. It is very hard as I am finding out, but what is harder is to meet the end of your life and see that you have too many regrets, choices never decided, paths left untraveled, friends never made, relationships never started,  business never built, dreams never accomplished.
I refuse to regret.
I will buck the trend of this world.
I will continue to dream and pursue action.
I will not live a half-ass life of regret. My parents sacrificed a lot for our family, to put us(their children) in a position to dream. I will not let them sacrifice for naught.   I live for me and for them.

On Failure

“Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.” Jules Renard
Sometimes failure is a feedback loop, you fail once and your failure follows you makes everything you do just a little bit harder. When this happens we sometimes over think the original mistake or even worse we become enmeshed thinking of all the mistakes we make. When this happens be glad when you have someone you trust who knows that this is just a growing pain and that things like these eventually makes us stronger better people. If you aren’t that lucky what happens? Well people advise you with cosmetic changes, or try to address the symptoms of the problem not really the problem which is that It is OK to fail, and that Failing is different than being a failure.
We are a failure if the mistakes we made didn’t help us grow but made us scared to live.
We are a failure if the mistakes we made only made us bitter people.
We are a failure if the mistakes we made helped started us stop believing in ourselves.
We are not a failure when we choose to learn.
We are not a failure when we choose to be thankful for what we have and have another go at things.
We are not a failure when we choose to live a life we will not regret.
A Life where we believe in ourselves and what our hands can do, our mids can imagine and our voices can say.
I must begin taking this advice.
“Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways.”
Samuel McChord Crothers

Decisions Destiny

I do not want to sound to cryptic but I am still not too comfortable discussing this, maybe another time when I do not have a headache!
from maverick owner Mark Cuban:
Personally, I don’t think people “know” what they are destined to be until they try it for the first couple times.
Going to college should be about experiencing as much academically as you possibly can, but more importantly, it should be about learning how to learn and recognizing that learning is a lifelong endeavor. School isn’t the end of the learning process, its purely a training ground and beginning.
I have two problems that was addresses from a snippet in this post by Mark Cuban.
One is that you really don’t know if what you are thinking you’d want to do for the rest of your life is really what you would like to do for the rest of your life. This isn’t a big problem, the big problem is that sometimes what we want to do is so life changing that we are scared to do it. I wanted to be cryptic at first but this is my blog I can’t help being honest. I would like to be a minister in our church but I also have many dreams that are not in sych with what I feel I was destined to do. The problem is that it times lost cannot be rewound. If I go head first with eyes wide open and find that being a soldier of God isn’t for me then what a quandry I would be in. The truth is I have made my decision already. The thing I am obssesing about is when is it now, a year from now or when I am 29 years old around 5 years from know. The original plan was at 29, the one my heart is telling me is now, the compromise a year from now.
I just ……

Make It About You

read this over at Raganwald’s blog

It was about programming and always talking of a Fictional Third Person.

Although the post was about programming, I feel that it has a larger application for life in general.
Why do we have to make an excuse for how we feel about things. Why do we always have to hide behind another person’s, (even worse a Fictional Third Person.

Let us stop passing the buck in our lives.

We have so much control over what we accept and what we do not accept that it is downright foolish to concede this great responsibility because of useless shame.

More to follow!

Eyes Wide Open

A story from Robert M. Pirsig:
He’d been having trouble with students who had nothing to say. At first he thought it was laziness but later it became apparent that it wasn’t. They just couldn’t think of anything to say.
One of them, a girl with strong-lensed glasses, wanted to write a five-hundred word essay about the United States. He was used to the sinking feeling that comes from statements like this, and suggested without disparagement that she narrow it down to just Bozeman.
When the paper came due she didn’t have it and was quite upset. She had tried and tried but she just couldn’t think of anything to say.
It just stumped him. Now he couldn’t think of anything to say. A silence occurred, and then a peculiar answer: “Narrow it down to the main street of Bozeman.” It was a stroke of insight.
She nodded dutifully and went out. But just before her next class she came back in real distress, tears this time, distress that had obviously been there for a long time. She still couldn’t think of anything to say, and couldn’t understand why, if she couldn’t think of anything about all of Bozeman, she should be able to think of something about just one street.
He was furious. “You’re not looking!” he said. A memory came back of his own dismissal from the University for having too much to say. For every fact there is an infinity of hypotheses. The more you look the more you see. She really wasn’t looking and yet somehow didn’t understand this.
He told her angrily, “Narrow it down to the front of one building on the main street of Bozeman. The Opera House. Start with the upper left-hand brick.”
Her eyes, behind the thick-lensed glasses, opened wide.
She came in the next class with a puzzled look and handed him a five-thousand-word essay on the front of the Opera House on the main street of Bozeman, Montana. “I sat in the hamburger stand across the street,” she said, “and started writing about the first brick, and the second brick, and then by the third brick it all started to come and I couldn’t stop. They thought I was crazy, and they kept kidding me, but here it all is. I don’t understand it.”
Neither did he, but on long walks through the streets of town he thought about it and concluded she was evidently stopped with the same kind of blockage that had paralyzed him on his first day of teaching. She was blocked because she was trying to repeat, in her writing, things she had already heard, just as on the first day he had tried to repeat things he had already decided to say. She couldn’t think of anything to write about Bozeman because she couldn’t recall anything she had heard worth repeating. She was strangely unaware that she could look and see freshly for herself, as she wrote, without primary regard for what had been said before. The narrowing down to one brick destroyed the blockage because it was so obvious she had to do some original and direct seeing.
— Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

 

Often we are fooled by the Illusion that there is an easy path, that we do not have to take control of our lives. Do not give in to this desire. Often people try to not make decisions in general. Notice how when your in a group eating out we often have trouble deciding on where to eat? I continually see the pattern of people not wanting to be blamed with the mistake of choosing the wrong place to eat, but as this writer argues with blame comes hope.
Some friends mistake that I am good at getting places, travelling etc. The fact is I get lost a lot, and I am not generally scared of being lost , because of this I get to go to more places. It’s not being afraid of getting lost, and having this desire to just go places. It’s that fear of the unknown that is the source of too much suffering in this world. And I prescribe my own medicine of immersing yourself with your fears. Try it, get to know the other side, get lost, befriend that cute girl. Just please do something.

Writing to myself

A friend recently got the letter that he wrote himself after 6 years.
What hit me is we should be doing things like these more often.
What do I mean things like these?
You know when you are young you have so many wrong ASSumptions that you laugh so much about when you get wiser. The real problem is when the these ASSumptions hurt us and we forget the wrongness of our previous selves and we can’t seem to explain to the NOW YOU why the hell you did somethings you KNOW you won’t be doing if given the chance.
We must learn to accept that change is normal, That we grow wiser through the years, we musn’t forget the OLD YOU because forgetting means being a little condescending with younger people. Forgetting means hating our OLD YOU because you can’t seem to understand some of the things he did. Forgetting means lying awake at night staring at the ceiling and wondering why you were so naive. Life means Growth and we do not live If we stop growing, we are allowed to make mistakes as long as we learn from them, we are allowed , no we continue to make the same mistakes as long as we keep forgetting, I do not want to forget.
Starting now, whenever I am making a semi big decision I am going to write to my future self and explain where I am coming from!
What would I write the future me?

  • What is my present situation?
  • What am I deciding to do?
  • Why am I deciding to do it?
  • How am I going to do it?
  • Why am I doing it that way?

For me these are the minimum things that my future self would like to know.
_______________________________________________________
Always wanting to find the 8spot, failing but never a fail!
This is a peek through my journey!

An Intelligent Sensible Man?

Paris - Musée d'Orsay: Pierre-Jean David d'Ang...
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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.”

I was learning how to use emacs when I saw the quote above. I consider myself both, an intelligent and sensible man.
Expending much thought on what I really am, I believe that I adapt to most situations I am in, I adapt so well and have learned not to complain that much, blame my religous upbringing.
I have always found most things phony in the Holden Caulfied way. I’ve always been two people co existing, I’ve always been sarcasitic, I’ve always found things are both less and more than they seem.
I’ve been tamed early on, but I am slowly finding that part of me that is suppressed, I am slowly finding that part of ourselves we are encouraged to bury within for the sake of fitting in, of being normal.
Normalcy has never been my strong suite and I am slowly breaking free. How am I breaking free?
I’ve learned to speak my peace. You may get mad at what I am Going to say, but when I say anything it is because I wanted to say it, It is because I wanted to feel better about me. Its not about who you are or my opinion of you, those things are beside the point, what’s important to me is my sanity, my peace and ultimately my happiness.
I’ve learned to let other speak their PEACE. I probably do not matter to you. You do not care what I feel, If yourn words hurt me its my problem. You are only trying to make yourself happy and If I knew better I wouldn’t care whatever you say. We are all basically trying to find ourselves and we shouldn’t get in each other’s way in the form of politeness, political correctness, and sensitivity. Don’t get me wrong I try to be polite and sensitive towards other people, its just that I do not expect them to be polite towards me!
The way I see it is , I have the following options:

  1. Find my self no matter what, no matter who I hurt, no matter how evil I may seem.
  2. To decide that impoliteness and hurting people is something I am not prepared to do, something I will not do and try to find myself within those constraints.
  3. To try to not hurt anyone but to primarily care for finding myself.

I don’t care if you judge me but I choose 3. I will try not to hurt other people but this simply means I am sorry if had to hurt you to grow but no one is stopping me from finding out who I am!

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