Tag Archives: Kids and Teens

In So Much…

Pain.

Damn, sure hope Proust was right when he said that the time when he was in so much pain was the happiest time of his life is true.

I’m not making sense. Part of me want to think that there is a rainbow hiding somewhere in this fucking blizzard I am in right now.

Fuck Fuck Fuck. But part the dominant part of me just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is the darkness I am in.

Good thing nobody reads this blog so I don’t have to censure my words. (Sorry to my 4 readers  read no further if you do not want to peak inside the mind of a fucked up bipolar guy going through one of his fucked up mood swings in the shit depressed mode that seems to just hit you when you are least ready to deal with it.)

As I said in my fate is… short story post (that I am in no mood/temperament to continue (I hope this ends soon because I soo want to make that into a passable story to add to my lit folio) I got rejected by a girl last monday and because I was lucky enough to have scheduled a Monster‘s Vs Aliens Imax 3D viewing with some of the member’s of (I think it was la’s brainchild) the SAWI partylist (Yep we are that lame).  I’d have to say the company of friends really helped me a lot in burying the pain, come tuesday and wednesday and me and my officemates were really into trying to beat each other in billiards , plus lots of work to finish before the long weekend helped me forget her temporarily. Damn fuck I keep telling myslef if she doesn’t want you then go find someone who would except knowing something is so fucking different from actually being able to do the damn thing.

FUUUUUCK.

I went home wednesday, and seeing my granny after 2 years was really a treat, that helped me during the long weekend. The thing is the weekend is over and surprise surprise I see her today just before I go to work.  I confess that I tried not to looka at her but the fact Is I stole a few glances, and I have to say that during times like this being especially in tune with your emotions and the way your mind works really make it Oh so very hard to delude yourself.

I think I’ve written about this before, but i know I’ve definitely talked about this with really close friends.

When you ask me if I care for someone I’d just have to look at him/her and know, this I cannot hide from myself. If I care for you, you are beautiful to me, If I Love you, to my eyes you are the most beautiful woman.

(I’m writing this after a day of learning how to do a few stuff, reading Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist and doing some things I’d rather not talk about).

I’m still grieving , It is still painful, but at least It seems that in trying to forget, to bury I’ve been reading alot faster, learning more, and all in all thinking too clearly. It is as if I was taking aderall (I’m imagining how it would affect me). I feel like Bruce Wayne, retreating to hyperrationality, retreating from emotion. See I can think of what i am feeling, I can even reason out quite well, why this is all in all a good enough outcome. I can even imagine alot of the reasons and the 3rd , 4th, 5th step that makes this a net win for me, Except it does me no good, it still hurts, it still feels like I’m in the verge of tears at any moment. Like this world is an empty , empt place.

I can’t even summon any small grain of something to get mad about. Damn, I just care too much , can’t seem to cross the small line that separates love and hate.

This too shall pass, just hope I like the person that I become after this ordeal.

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What’s Playing: Foolish Heart cover by Nina

Foolish Heart

I need a love that grows
I don’t want it unless I know
But with each passin hour
Someone, somehow
Will be there, ready to share

I need a love that’s strong
I’m so tired of being alone
But will my lonely heart
Play the part
Of the fool again, before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You’ve been wrong before
Don’t be wrong anymore

I’m feelin that feelin again
I’ve been playin a game I can’t win
Love’s knockin on the door
Of my heart once more
Think I’ll let him in
Before I begin

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before, you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You’ve been wrong before
Don’t be wrong anymore
Foolish heart
Foolish, foolish heart
You’ve been wrong before

Foolish heart, hear me calling
Stop before you start falling
Foolish heart, heed my warning
You’ve been wrong before
Don’t be wrong anymore
Foolish heart

Oh foolish
foolish heart
You’ve been wrong before

Foolish
foolish heart
Foolish heart

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rePost:Fashionably Skeptical:Seth’s Blog: Poisoning the well

The Office (US TV series)
Image via Wikipedia

I couldn’t agree more.  People are just so fucking annoyed with two bit, multi faced interactions that it is personally dragging to interact with people. I remember this scene from “The Office” probably season4. Where Kelly kapoor and Darryl from the warehouse fights and kelly says. “I don’t understand him who says exactly what he means!” can’t help but feel this when talking to people I interact with hesistantly. What I mean is I tend to hang with simple people , people like darryl.  Call shit on me when I am shitting them, tear me a new one when I am getting too arrogant and all in all telling me when; Incidentally If i had only listened to them a couple of weeks ago, I probably would not be depressed and extremely fragile right now. I am like a tinderbox ready to explode any second.  Well to sum up, try to minimize the fog, speak simply and clearly, tell it to me straight and we will get along fine! In some ways I don’t like erecting walls that separate , but this is very important to me. Enough of the lies, enough of the deception tell it straight!

Which means that even if you have a really good reason, no, you can’t call me on the phone. Which means that even if it’s really important, no, I’m not going to read the instructions. Which means that god forbid you try to email me something I didn’t ask for… you’re trashed. It’s so fashionable to be skeptical now that no one believes you if you attempt to do something for the right reasons.

Selfish short-sighted marketers ruined it for all of us. The only way out, I think, is for a few marketers to so overwhelm the market with long-term, generous marketing that we have no choice but to start paying attention again.

via Seth’s Blog: Poisoning the well.

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Trailer: Taking Woodstuck!

thanks to /film for the pointer here

I got giddy when I watched the trailer(just as I felt when I saw the trailer for Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist), hope It overshoots my expectations! Low Expectations are for losers! hehe!(Although it really is the secret to happiness)

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What’s Playing? Jumper by Third Eye Blind

Third Eye Blind
Image by BigBlue via Flickr

Jumper

Third Eye Blind

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
The angry boy, a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don’t belong
You’re the first to fight
You’re way too loud
You’re the flash of light
On a burial shroud
I know something’s wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say
Put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
Well, he’s on the table
And he’s gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they are doing here
And your friends have left
You’ve been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I
I want you to know
Everyone’s got to face down the demons
Maybe today
We can put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
I would understand…

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What’s Playing: The Wrestler by Bruce Springsteen

The Wrestler poster
Image by ANTWRANGLER via Flickr

lyrics copied from here,

The Wrestler by Bruce Springsteen

Have you ever seen a one trick pony in the field so happy and free?
If you’ve ever seen a one trick pony then you’ve seen me
Have you ever seen a one-legged dog making its way down the street?
If you’ve ever seen a one-legged dog then you’ve seen me

Then you’ve seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you’ve seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you’ve seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

Have you ever seen a scarecrow filled with nothing but dust and wheat?
If you’ve ever seen that scarecrow then you’ve seen me
Have you ever seen a one-armed man punching at nothing but the breeze?
If you’ve ever seen a one-armed man then you’ve seen me

Then you’ve seen me, I come and stand at every door
Then you’ve seen me, I always leave with less than I had before
Then you’ve seen me, bet I can make you smile when the blood, it hits the floor
Tell me, friend, can you ask for anything more?
Tell me can you ask for anything more?

These things that have comforted me, I drive away
This place that is my home I cannot stay
My only faith’s in the broken bones and bruises I display

Have you ever seen a one-legged man trying to dance his way free?
If you’ve ever seen a one-legged man then you’ve seen me

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rePost: Best Teachers: Knowing and Doing: March 2009 Archives

I find myself sometimes pausing when I feel I am saying something that even I cannot do. I sometiomes think that staying quite is the most optimal course of action because I do not fancy being called a hypocrite , which I confess that I am often called. The thing is I have a simple heuristic when to shut-up and when to bring it. I state my case whenever I believe that the person can still change his/her mind or to be more exact if I believe the words from a hypocritical me can still change his/her mind, otherwise I shut-up.

Read the whole thing it’s short and at least for me a little poignant!

Through all my years in school, my best teachers jumped into the pool all the time and came up laughing and snorting with water up their noses. They wrote prose and code. They read about new ideas and wanted to try them out in the lab. Their excitement was palpable. Fun was part of the life, and that’s what I wanted.

I hope I can embody a little of that excitement and fun as a faculty member to our students, as a father to my daughters. But some days, that is more of a challenge than others.

via Knowing and Doing: March 2009 Archives.

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