Damn, sure hope Proust was right when he said that the time when he was in so much pain was the happiest time of his life is true.
I’m not making sense. Part of me want to think that there is a rainbow hiding somewhere in this fucking blizzard I am in right now.
Fuck Fuck Fuck. But part the dominant part of me just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is the darkness I am in.
Good thing nobody reads this blog so I don’t have to censure my words. (Sorry to my 4 readers read no further if you do not want to peak inside the mind of a fucked up bipolar guy going through one of his fucked up mood swings in the shit depressed mode that seems to just hit you when you are least ready to deal with it.)
As I said in my fate is… short story post (that I am in no mood/temperament to continue (I hope this ends soon because I soo want to make that into a passable story to add to my lit folio) I got rejected by a girl last monday and because I was lucky enough to have scheduled a Monster‘s Vs Aliens Imax 3D viewing with some of the member’s of (I think it was la’s brainchild) the SAWI partylist (Yep we are that lame). I’d have to say the company of friends really helped me a lot in burying the pain, come tuesday and wednesday and me and my officemates were really into trying to beat each other in billiards , plus lots of work to finish before the long weekend helped me forget her temporarily. Damn fuck I keep telling myslef if she doesn’t want you then go find someone who would except knowing something is so fucking different from actually being able to do the damn thing.
I went home wednesday, and seeing my granny after 2 years was really a treat, that helped me during the long weekend. The thing is the weekend is over and surprise surprise I see her today just before I go to work. I confess that I tried not to looka at her but the fact Is I stole a few glances, and I have to say that during times like this being especially in tune with your emotions and the way your mind works really make it Oh so very hard to delude yourself.
I think I’ve written about this before, but i know I’ve definitely talked about this with really close friends.
When you ask me if I care for someone I’d just have to look at him/her and know, this I cannot hide from myself. If I care for you, you are beautiful to me, If I Love you, to my eyes you are the most beautiful woman.
I’m still grieving , It is still painful, but at least It seems that in trying to forget, to bury I’ve been reading alot faster, learning more, and all in all thinking too clearly. It is as if I was taking aderall (I’m imagining how it would affect me). I feel like Bruce Wayne, retreating to hyperrationality, retreating from emotion. See I can think of what i am feeling, I can even reason out quite well, why this is all in all a good enough outcome. I can even imagine alot of the reasons and the 3rd , 4th, 5th step that makes this a net win for me, Except it does me no good, it still hurts, it still feels like I’m in the verge of tears at any moment. Like this world is an empty , empt place.
I can’t even summon any small grain of something to get mad about. Damn, I just care too much , can’t seem to cross the small line that separates love and hate.
This too shall pass, just hope I like the person that I become after this ordeal.