Too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right
oh it’s taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
oh but if i take my heart’s advice
i should assume it’s still unsteady
i am in repair, i am in repair

I have been in a state of flux of late. A complete hodgepodge of undigested may be for never; emotions, half-boiled, thoughts, half-cooked plans and unhatched actions.

I am so obviously in flux that a friend even asked me. (Ano ka ba nag mimidlife crisis —> are you having a mid life crisis?). Midlife at 25, ouch , maybe If I can’t get out of this funk maybe not even midlife but life.

No I am not contemplating suicide but I am somewhat eating myself to death, I’ve been of diet for almost month. A thirteen month pay/holiday season enabled food binge.

I have to say It feels like I am missing something but I still don’t know what, probably this is Why I am missing it. I don’t know how if its the fear of losing this balance or the anxiety with being in a kind of balance that is pushing me to something akin to depression.

I still maintain that I am probably happier than most, this is mostly by design, bu it’s a blue pill , red pill thing. Ignorance is Bliss or Knowledge and Misery. I probably am looking at it the wrong way. When I chose to live in “reality”, when I chose to try to find myself, I knew that it would be hard, I had a hunch it would be lonely, its just that I did not think that It would be this lonely and this hard.

See when you try to change yourself, to improve, to whatever, If you try hard enough you do, change, you may improve and something will happen to you good or/and bad, I just was not able to anticipate somthing like a time shift, either I was standing still and everything around me was changing too fast or I was changing to fast before the people surrounding me were able to get used to me. This makes me feel so alone.

Another thing is that when you remove the multi-colored lenses that we call “our perspective”, when we choose to see things as they are, when we refuse to delude ourselves, when we choose to see ourselves naked, I don’t know if its just me but we begin to view people in this same light.  When you try to have all an no perspective everything you do changes, how you understand things become unified. Its a fucked up feeling, a kind of dual extremes I love you I understand you but I also hate you and do not get you.

I seem to be high or something with my ramblings, the truth is I am not. My head , my heart is just hurting but I can’t call what I am feeling anything but happiness.

I don’t know anything.

stood on the corner for a while
to wait for the wind to blow down on me
hoping it takes with it my old ways
and brings some brand new look upon me
oh it’s taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
oh but if i take my heart’s advice
i should assume it’s still unsteady
i am in repair, i am in repair

and now i’m walking in a park
all of the birds they dance below me
maybe when things turn green again
it will be good to say you know me

oh it’s taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
oh but if i take my heart’s advice
i should assume it’s still unready
oh i’m never really ready, i’m never really ready
i’m in repair, i’m not together but i’m getting there
i’m in repair, i’m not together but i’m getting there

–John Mayer, In Repair from Continuum (2006)